ANATOMY OF A WEDDING - Part 5 of at least 7

PRELUDE TO A WEDDING

MATCHING TANK TOPS: I would welcome a guest blogger to jump in here with all the intimate details of Saturday morning at the bride’s house and/or at the groomsmen’s golf outing. My first sighting of the wedding party was early afternoon at the church building where Courtney’s family attends. Everyone had gathered there for lunch, but the bride and bridesmaids were also planning to get ready for the wedding in the spacious comfort of the church’s "living room". I was pleased to see that the bridesmaids were wearing matching tank tops because then I could stop wondering who was in the wedding and who was just a random cousin or whatnot. It’s important to know these things so while you’re trying to make small-talk you don’t say to a girl...oh, what did the bridesmaids do last night?...and have them give you a sad look and reply...I wouldn’t know. Because that’s embarrassing.

THE FAIRY GODMOTHER: So the already pretty girls spent the next few hours transforming themselves and each other into knock-out bridesmaids...worthy of deflecting all those evil spirits which people used to think attended weddings to prey on brides. As usual, the wedding party beauty salon was presided over by my nephew Zach’s wife, Haley. Not only is she a professional but she’s basically our family’s own personal fairy godmother. Because with the right product and hair appliance, she can turn any old ash-covered girl into a beautiful Cinderella. So, she comes to these events armed with an impressive array of that product and those hair appliances, and she calmly curls and/or straightens and sprays as many of the bridesmaids as she has time for, but her piece de resistance is always, of course, the BRIDE. Haley's energies and abilities always amaze me, but she obviously can’t get to everyone. So some less fortunate bridesmaids have to be content with the ministrations of fellow bridesmaids. But even for them, Haley always has time for consultations...and is constantly recommending this or that product or this or that tweak. So that in the end, everyone walks out of the room looking...and there's no other word for it...FABULOUS.

PROPORTIONAL HAIRSTYLING: Well...except for me. Obviously, as the aunt of the groom, I wasn’t high on the priority list for beautifying this time. But my niece Katy was wielding a straightener and agreed to "straighten" me. And bless her heart, she worked with relish and considerable skill, and it was all very relaxing. But after she was done, everyone who looked at me either giggled and/or grimaced. And I knew why. See I have this puffy, sort of roundish face. In fact, some years ago shortly after learning the word "porcine", I would ofttimes find that word coming to mind when looking in a mirror. No, don’t feel sorry for me...because I think pigs are kind of cute...in a piggy sort of way. Look at Wilbur on Charlotte’s Web...who couldn’t love a face like that? But my point it that people with puffy round faces should NEVER adopt a flattened hairstyle. Not only does it give you that drowned rat look, but it accentuates your big face and actually makes you look bigger. For the same reason, big women like me know NEVER to carry a small purse. We need BIG purses to go with our bodies. So in the same way, I need a bigger hairstyle. But I do love Katy for trying. She’s precious and nearly perfect in every way.

I’m on my way to the Quinceanera so I have to stop here. In Part 6, we will move into the evening hours and probably even get to the ceremony. Hope springs eternal, doesn’t it?

I had a bowl of leftover fried rice for lunch today. Rachel...in a fit of domesticity...whipped it up last night for our supper. And it was seriously some of the best fried rice I’ve ever tasted, even left over. I asked her how she made it so good and she said she’s just cool like that. So maybe she’s not ready for her own cooking show.