RACINE AND MARY ANN

Here’s that story about my mom and her friend Mary Ann. Since I wrote it the day of the funeral, it is present tense as of that day and not today, and I’m not going to fix it...because I like it this way.

So Saturday, May 1, 2010:

I’m meeting all of my siblings for Mary Ann’s funeral today. We all drove in from out of town to attend, one brother from 10 hours away so he get the prize, but still. Our being here en masse is a testament to the friendship of our mother with this woman.

They met at church, I believe sometime in 1959. They were both in their mid-20s and each of them had a handful of children already. Mary Ann eventually had four children, my mom one-upping her by having five. I was less than two years old when they met, so I do not remember how they forged that friendship early on. I do know our families spent plenty of time together, on vacations and holidays and many times in between. One of my earliest memories is hunting Easter eggs in their back yard. They lived in the same town, attending the same church and developing this friendship for many years, but eventually Mary Ann moved away and I think the majority of their 46 or so years of friendship were spent living in different states.

The mystery, of course, is how they managed to stay close for those years apart. Because for most of those years, they didn’t have cell phones, facebook, or even email. I don’t think they wrote letters, and my mom was not a fan of talking on the phone. But somehow their lives and hearts remained linked. Proving once and for all that while technology may facilitate communication, it certainly isn’t is required when it comes to solid, life changing relationships.

What was it that bonded them so well? Was it their common faith? Their sharing of parenting and marital ups and downs? Their mutual love for quilting? I’m sure all that played into it. But I also know they both knew and were willing to pay the "cost of doing friendship". They made time for each other even when doing so involved inconvenience. I know when they got together after long absences, they talked and laughed like they had never been apart. I know my mother seemed younger when she was with Mary Ann. When Mom was around Mary Ann, she slipped out of her mom/wife mode and into her friend mode and I loved watching that. There was a comfort level between them that was visible to everyone around them.

I‘m pretty sure Mary Ann knew my mother better than I did, but that never made me feel bad. I was always thankful that my mom had her, and if anything, their friendship made me want "my own Mary Ann." Someone I know will be a vital part of my life, caring about me and in turn being cared about, for 46 years or until the day I die whichever comes first. But what they had was rare, and if you have a Mary Ann, you know what I’m talking about. Although when I think about it, I realize my mother had several other Mary Anns in her life, and I think even Mary Ann had other Racines in her life. Is this getting confusing? What I mean is, both of them knew how to make and keep friends. They knew how to keep the journey of a friendship alive and well. I know people my age that keep their friendships alive, but it seems even rarer these days. I hope it doesn't become a lost art with all our advanced "communication" tools. In any case, I am resolved to do better with all the potential Mary Anns in my life already. So if you don’t want to be my Mary Ann, you better run and hide.

After my mom died in 2005, I didn’t see Mary Ann as often. When I did, I always felt the absence of my mother a bit more, but also a bit less, if that makes any sense at all. That’s probably why it’s been so hard for me to say goodbye. I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time since my mom died.

So here’s what I will miss about Mary Ann. I will miss her voice. I can’t describe it of course, but it was calming and gentle with a twist of an Oklahoma drawl thrown in. I will also miss her sincere interest in me. She always asked me questions about my life…and made me feel that my answers were important to her. Not because my life is at all fascinating, but because that was who she was. But most of all I will miss the living connection she was to my mother. I will miss her because she loved my mother. And because she missed my mother like I do. I know she’s in a better a place but I will miss her presence on this earth.

And I know this is anticlimactic, but I had a turkey sandwich at Schlotzskly’s for lunch today. I was disappointed to find they were out of their store brand potato chips. They offered me Lay’s instead but I declined because they just don’t compare.